A web comic about love, life, and trying to comes to terms with being transgender. Sometimes dark, sometimes light, and always an attempt at a honest look at transexual life.
Updating every day, including weekends!
I accidentally posted a page from July 2016 in to the feed for today. Everyone just forget who Madison Mathers is until then. Seriously. She doesn't even exist until then, and she doesn't have much of an arc (yet).
Howdy folks. I know a lot of people were really into the Mal page and the statistics of transgenderism incidence in the population. Our friend 4C51 did exactly what I've always asked for and gave me good solid evidence to change my mind. So, my mind is changed! I redid the math on the page, linked the study mentioned, and hopefully arrived at a better number for everyone. You are more than welcome to go over the entire thread, seeing how I defended/rebutted the original statistics. I worked with the best info I had - and that info was either wrong or outdated. So I am pleased that I was wrong!
Otherwise, people are probably wondering why they haven't received their Waffles prizes. The short answer - depression, Christmas, and moving. I have been unable to draw, write, or be anything useful in about three months now. I have fallen nearly two months behind in posting because of it. This is exactly why I build in a one year buffer, is because I know full well that I am not a healthy person in the mind, and that this is not something that will go away any time soon. So I am dealing with it, and I will be all right. It just means that people won't have their prizes for a little while longer, and for that, I am sorry.
Same info posted to the facebook group, for those who follow. Thanks for supporting me!
There has been a lot of discussion lately about the representation of trans people in the media. Specifically with Arcade Fire - We Exist. It shows a young trans woman, early in coming out, being hurt. A lot of people seem to not get why we should ever show that kind of thing. Why focus on the hurtful things?
In this vein, one would ask, why Wildflowers? Why write the story of this young woman, being hurt - not just by the outside world, but by herself? Why show how painful it can be inside?
For the same reason why we watch movies about loss. Why we watch movies where the love interest dies at the end. It breaks our heart, it hurts, but it lets us feel something. Especially if we have been through loss, if we've loved and had to let go, the movie makes us feel less alone. Like we can relate. That there are other people out there who have hurt and have survived it.
As I've often said, Venus Envy is what woke me up. When I first found it, I was literally suicidal about my gender. I never felt so alone, despite having people who loved me. I didn't think anyone else out there could feel how I felt. How afraid I was to be.. who I thought I couldn't be.
When I read VE, I saw someone struggling, not just against the world, but herself, and her family. I saw that you could get hurt and get back up. And that even if I got hurt, I could survive it.
One of the things that we, as a trans community, are never allowed to discuss - our fears. Our uncertainty. If you walk into a therapists and say you want to be gender X, they demand that you be absolutely sure. They need you to be so utterly positive as to leave no room whatsoever. We are forced to lie, to tell them what they expect to hear. We aren't allowed to talk about how we are scared out of our minds that we might not be 100%. That there is doubt, but that doubt is far less than the certainty we have about ourselves.
When Annie goes through these terrible thoughts in her head, it is because these are real thoughts. That I've felt. That others have told me they have felt. That every trans person I have met expresses. How hard it can be to look in the mirror, when they have to be perfect and flawless to everyone all the rest of the time.
So why do I write Wildflowers? So that people know that they aren't alone. That they can be uncertain and scared and that is ok. That they shouldn't have to lie about it any more than they lie or have lied about who they were.
Some people find that tiny spark inside themselves when they are shown the horrors of the darkness. Venus Envy did it for me. I can only hope that I live up to the legacy and that some other trans person out there sees Wildflowers and knows that they, too, have that spark.
Ok, it isn't big news. I was nominated for a local Pride Art award - lost before the final selections, but it was still nice to be nominated.
Much more importantly, a few weeks ago, Wildflowers officially became the longest transgender webcomic on the internet. Venus envy, including every single post, all non-canon material, and going by the longest post count I could find, hit 928 posts. Wildflowers is now at 957, and another 9 pages going up this week. The longest actively running is Rain, and I eclipsed that a while ago.
You may be saying, well, who cares since your original art SUUUCKED. I know! And I have less than 130 pages left to redraw from scratch. It's a long process, but when you draw 9 or 10 new pages a week, you only have time for 3 or 4 redraws a week in addition. So I'm trying, dangit!
Anyways. I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me for the past year and a half, especially when the really brutal art was still happening. You've inspired me to keep at it, and hopefully, in some small way, Wildflowers has inspired you in return.
Oh, and the binary clock contest is always in play, so submit your guesses!
The chapter I'm working on right now is breaking me inside, and I want to draw something else. Anything else. Even horrible things are better than what I'm drawing now.
Not enough drugs in the world to calm my mind right now.
Anyways, if anyone has a page (or pages, or chapter) that they want to see redone to actually look half-decent, I am dedicating one day a week to it from here on. So no matter what page, let me know (by title preferably) and I will redo it/them.
Don't worry, I'm far enough ahead at this point that daily updates will happen for 7 more months even if I drop off the planet. So requests? Gimme!
Ok, back to this page I'm doing. God...
-Something resembling the AnneKrog
So as you may or may not know, I have been absolutely blazing on my mania right now. Just.. wow, no sleep, getting a TONNE of work done. And now, I'm passing it on to your loyal fans.
I've redone some of the earlier pages in a way that I find.. mildly satisfactory. If you want the originals to compare for some sick reason, let me know and I can mail them to you.
If I keep pumping out 20+ comics a week, I can keep doing redos. Not only did I manage this, I also managed to tweak the speech bubbles for the next two months to a unified manner, and fix Lexi's hair with the new treatment I discovered!
So long as the mania holds out, you people get pure profit!
Shalom my friends. May you find happiness and joy in your lives.
(From the addition to the Sunday night post comment)
If you don't read the news feed for this comic, I sure don't blame you. But I would like to proudly proclaim that between dying my hair blue and painting my nails black, I spent Thursday night redoing 5 pages of the archives. They are;
Chapter "It Begins"
They Came Back (Redone)
Chapter "Moving Weekend"
Goodbye for Now (Redone)
Dead Tire (Redone)
Home Again (Redone)
I have left the text of these untouched (except for Goodbye For Now, I added a line). The actual scenes themselves are identical to the original, using the same paint scheme even, just redrawn to make it look like.. you know.. they are people, not abstract monsters.
Yes, I know it is still far from perfect, and I am learning new techniques every week. But be thankful I'm redoing them, it means that I am confident in my work now! Right? And if I redo every one from 1-100, then people might not throw up from disgust and leave before they get into the story!
So, for those of you paying close attention to things that you haven't been privvy to yet... *backs up a bit*
I've been working really hard to keep a bit ahead so that if I say, get in a motorcycle accident, people won't be missing out on their daily dose of Wildflowers. As of today (Apr 5th), I am posted till May 26th. I had one hell of a crazy week, I did 14 comics!
Well, the reason that I did 14 comics in one week when usually I struggle very hard to do 7 is because of mania. I have mentioned before that I am bipolar, which means I experience both depression (very low mood, often with suicidal thoughts and sense of worthlessness), and mania, which has an elevated "invincible" mood. With mania, you are very productive, making snap decisions and usually getting very little sleep. Its actually pretty fantastic (aside from the incredible danger of doing double the speed limit on your motorcycle. Sorry mom!)
The problem is when the two intersect. You see, bipolar is not a binary system of high or low, it is a quadrant system. Top left, you are normal/normal. Top right, you are manic with no depression (and a real party animal! Banging out webcomics! WOO!!). Bottom left, you are depressed and suicidal, but usually too tired to act on it, or too scared to do anything.
Bottom right, when mania and depression overlap, is where the real danger is for a bipolar person. Here, you have the energy, the racing thoughts, and the poor decision making skills. Couple that with no self worth and suicidal idealation, and you end up with arms covered in scars and an attempted overdose.
I've been working for a long time on finding the right balance of mood stabilizers and antidepressants with my doctors. Nothing has worked, so we are now moving on to lithium.
Lithium is a fairly heavy mood stabilizer. It takes the edges off both depression and mania (mostly mania) and helps makes you more 'normal'.
So, I now have lithium working in me. I am insanely tired most days, getting about 12 hours of sleep while my body does its best to adjust to the medicine.
I'm letting everyone know because it will either work, and I will be up in full production and keeping ahead of/on schedule with Wildflowers, or it won't work, and I will either be a zombie or.. much worse. I don't want to go down those roads, and if it means I have to take time off to focus on myself, I will.
In the meantime, everyone, please, love yourselves. You will never know who needs you just to smile once. Or to be there, just BE there, with nothing more. The impact you have on people is phenomenal. Try to make it a good one.
And remember, if you wouldn't say it about a friend, why would you say it about yourself? Love yourself. You are worth it.
-The very, very tired AnneKrog.
For anyone playing at home, Venus Envy updated again. And word from the grapevine is that she will be updating more than once a year this time too.
So stop reading this trash and go read VE. Or if you already read it, go read it again.
And go read and re-read Rain, also on Smackjeeves. Lynn is amazing.