Coma 2

posted April 9th, 2013, 2:07 am


average rating: 5.00
post a comment
author comments
view GreenKrog's profile

February 21st, 2013, 9:21 am

GreenKrog

reply

Wake up Tony.
Please wake up.
You DO deserve to live.

---

In January of 2011, after being unemployed and extremely depressed for over a year, I attempted suicide. I combined a long term aspirin poisoning (to thin my blood), wrist cutting, and a massive overdose of aspirin. I'm not sure why I called for help, but I did. I think I was scared.
When they found me, I could barely hear them banging down the door. One of the paramedics pinched my shoulder hard enough to snap me back into conciousness. They bandaged my arms enough to take me to the hospital. I was terrified. Not that I wouldn't make it, but that I would.
The next three days, I was alone in my room with a security guard outside. Occasionally they came in to test me and force me to drink charcoal. I was told the aspirin was burning a hole in my stomach lining. I was still hoping at this point that I would die.

I spent over a month in the hospital psychiatric ward. The therapists there were useless and stupid, but the nurses were spectacularly insightful. They read my diary (I said it was ok) and they asked questions. They asked everything except "why". Because the why didn't matter so much as all the "why shouldn't you?"

I've been out of the hospital for a long time now. I've been diagnosed with severe rapid-cycling bipolar and am receiving (inadequate) treatment. This post is for April, but it was written in February. Right now, I am barely hanging on again, but.. I have enough that I don't let go. My life is great. My brain is hell.

If you are out there, and you think there is any chance you might hurt yourself, or are suicidal, please, please talk to someone. Not necessarily the suicide people. To a friend. To someone you don't even know. To me. Anyone but yourself.
We WILL get through it together.

Choose life. You deserve to live.

-Anne

end of message
user comments
view CuteDress&TwinPonytails's profile

April 9th, 2013, 5:38 pm

CuteDress&TwinPonytails

reply

Without going into any detail, I will just say that I have contemplated or tried to commit suicide in the past. I was not successful at any of it, since I am still here, living, and typing out this note right now.

Yes, as you have stated, " We WILL get through it together. "

BTW---The National Average of the number of people who have tried or were successful in committing suicide among the general population of the USA is between one half % to 1 %. The National Average of the number of transgender people who have tried or were successful in committing suicide among all of the self-identified transgender people of the USA is now at 47%, up from 43% last year. That is the highest percentage out of all demographic groups.

end of message
view Valley's profile

April 26th, 2013, 9:34 am

Valley

reply

The undiscovered country is a powerful pull for certain types of pain that can't be removed or stopped. Lovecraft said the greatest emotion is fear and the greatest fear was the fear of the unknown. He was wrong - the greatest fear for us social animals is the fear of being alone forever because of who you are - be it trapped in the wrong body or loving the wrong gender or something else mainstream culture can't seem to handle.
I am not sure my problems are powerful enough for me to be 'together' in this but I am strong enough to say I am there for you.

end of message
view GreenKrog's profile

April 26th, 2013, 1:40 pm

GreenKrog

reply

@Valley: Nobody's problems, no matter how large or how small, should ever be discounted. Any time you bare yourself to others and show your own weakness, so they can gain strength knowing they aren't alone, that is the real power of being in it 'together'.
Never discount yourself. Pain isn't objectively measured on a scale of 'wow, they have it worse'. It is palpable to the bearer just as much as it would be to another.

Love each other, and comics like the above will fade into history.

end of message

April 3rd, 2014, 4:43 am

stickygirl (Guest)

voices

reply

I used to think my 'voices' proved I was a fraud, that I was just pretending - either that or I was nuts. My loudest voice is the sensible bitch who talks nothing but common sense and she has protected me from harming myself so many times, even when the other voices have fallen silent: when the other parts of me just wanted to do it.
I know now other people have voices - you could just say internal arguments, but reading it here was another confirmation. 'Lets open our eyes together' TY xxx

end of message
view GreenKrog's profile

April 3rd, 2014, 4:57 am

GreenKrog

reply

@stickygirl: There has been some recent talk about honesty in the trans community on this topic. Because of all the therapists and parents and people needing us to be 'absolutely sure', we are never allowed to show any signs of doubt. And that isn't healthy.

In science, we show doubt about something, and we test it, to either find out if it is true or false. And we don't apologize for that. In relationships, we doubt if we are loving each other properly, so we talk about it and work through it. And yet, in transgender therapy, we don't have that room? It isn't right to force that onto anyone.

I'm many years post-transition and post-op. The voices that give me doubt about if it was the right choice are gone. The voices about "am I real" or "does everyone still see HIM" never quite go away.

I believe with my whole heart that we need to stop inspecting and judging each other and start listening. If we aren't given the space to listen to ourselves, then we only have the space to have ourselves be told who we are by others.

Nobody can tell you who you are except yourself. So listen to that.

end of message
view stickygirl's profile

April 3rd, 2014, 9:41 am

stickygirl

reply

Actually there's plenty of theoretical science that operates without 'proof' but yea - it shows a lack of trust by the gatekeepers who want us all in twee skirts and pigtails.
A friend suggested that everyone, cis included, have male and female aspects to their ID, but as trans we get freaked out by our males thoughts. I'm coming round to accepting the male parts of my persona so your voices illustration works even better for me. We can't silence our inner voices but they will change over time.

end of message

May 22nd, 2014, 1:56 pm

Alyfox (Guest)

>_<

reply

*hugs everyone tightly, but especially our host author!*

end of message
post a comment