Too Close

posted April 12th, 2014, 2:01 am


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August 24th, 2013, 2:01 am

GreenKrog

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This is a situation that.. too many trans*people find themselves in.

Whether due to lack of forethought, or desperate desire to be wanted, or--

Fuck it. Mom, Dad, stop reading this comment.

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It was about eight months into my transition. I was still crippled emotionally by the loss of my fiance. I was desperate to have someone, ANYONE, love me. Or at least, to like me.

I invited a man into my house. A friend of a friend, actually. We were in my bedroom together, and he started getting pretty aggressive. I was ok with it, I mean, he knew. Except that wasn't what he cared about. He just wanted whatever he could get his hands on.

I remember fighting back, trying my best to keep him away from me, while at the same time my brain was screaming to allow it to happen. He was stronger than me, much stronger. And he held me off the edge of the bed, until my mind began to go fuzzy.

My roommates came home. He said he had to go. Of course he did, there was nothing left for him there.

Because I allowed it, I was in a situation where I had no control. Unlike so many girls who just want to be loved, I *didn't* get raped. I'm one of the lucky ones.

And this is the kind of thing my therapist wants me to be able to handle emotionally. NOBODY should have to handle that emotionally. Ever.

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April 12th, 2014, 4:43 am

stickygirl

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Then we're ashamed and embarrassed about what happened, which is nuts, but it's because we want everything to be normal like it was before, so we try to fit what has happened into a normal social context - hence embarrassment. We do not have the emotional expression for these things when they happen - it's like an other-worldly experience, as though we were trying to describe a colour we'd never seen before: how do you do that?

Maybe if rape was talked about more and not hushed up? Maybe if we had the emotional language to describe it? idk As if the physical trauma weren't enough, the sense of isolation, through the lack of empathy by friends and family, makes it so much worse. We end up frightened to tell other people for fear of upsetting them or because the authorities investigations will further strip away our sense of identity and control. All these thoughts flood our minds, as though their presence confirms our loss of control - we can't even stop our damned thoughts.

But we have to, because to tackle it for what it is, rape, is to be strong. We're going to have to live with that memory for ever, so the sooner we take back control, the sooner we stop it becoming the thing that defines us: it doesn't. The victim has to understand they are still the same person and they have to reconnect with who they were before. Most important of all, they have to believe - It wasn't their fault.

You allowed nothing GK. It wasn't your fault.

( I don't know how this works GK - if this gets published automatically, but I wouldn't expect you to publish anything directed at you ad hominem. You're the boss and this is 100% your site <3 )

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April 12th, 2014, 4:47 am

GreenKrog

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@stickygirl: Difference is, and it has been pointed out, it never happened to me. So I can't talk about it because it didn't happen. I'm quite sure that the person who posted a few months ago will be quick to point that out too.

I didn't allow nothing, because nothing happened.

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April 12th, 2014, 11:12 am

stickygirl

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But you were traumatised by it all the same. If someone here is awarding merit badges about how bad an experience was/wasn't or that 'my pain is worse than your pain' they are misguided. Lets not have victims falling out over the size of their scar FFS - lets deal with the real issue. Of course you're justified talking about it. I don't need to stick my head in a fire to know it will get burned. This is a societal problem and denying you 'the right' to talk about ( and do it so well btw ) is just making the problem worse. Silence makes it worse

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April 13th, 2014, 5:25 pm

Ladyarkitekt (Guest)

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@GreenKrog: I'm not sure if you meant me as "the person who posted a few months ago", but I'll step forward and say that, whatever happened to you, if you consider it rape or not, it happened, and I'm very sorry it happened.

My concern is when rape is projected as a "if you do [x], you're more likely to be raped, so take responsibility, don't do [x], to protect yourself." My frustration is when people insist that people should not be themselves- dressing how they wish, drinking if they wish, hanging out at parties if they wish, because of the risk of rape.

Because, even what is happening here, to Annie, could have happened to her whether she were sober or dressed less feminine or any number of things that you had mentioned before "make targets" out of us.

And I feel like most people shame us who "didn't fight hard enough", saying that we deserved what happened because we "put ourselves in that situation". My hope is that people will get away from that, that "personal responsibility" will be applied to the perpetrator, not the victim. Because, as you say, no one, regardless of their actions, should have to handle that. Ever.

And I want to open my arms to anyone who was hurt, and say "You are not alone. You did not deserve this, you did nothing wrong." Because I know that pain of feeling that I did something to deserve what happened, a year after the fact, even though I know better from a logical standpoint.

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June 21st, 2014, 9:55 am

mittfh

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I can see why you posted all those trigger warnings - but while this incident was probably too close for comfort for many, at least Vic arrived in the nick of time before things got ugly (potentially resulting in Annie having yet another spell in hospital).

Having said that, while there's been no physical damage this time, it will undoubtedly have caused her yet more mental trauma and potentially delay further the day when she can openly be herself and be content simultaneously in society-at-large, without fearing who may be around the next corner.

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June 21st, 2014, 3:09 pm

GreenKrog

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@mittfh: Neither of the three outcomes could end well. The guy ends up sexually assaulting her, and she has horrible trauma. He ends up physically assaulting her for being trans, she goes to the hospital. And Vic saves her, she has her sense of independence and self confidence (her 'power') taken away.

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