Expectations

posted May 9th, 2014, 2:01 am


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view GreenKrog's profile

August 31st, 2013, 9:27 pm

GreenKrog

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Yeah, I can't draw Dan with a damn. %$#^%&@$. And yes, the mid frame looks stupid as hell.

But I want to talk about the actual content.

For those cis*people who are unaware of the concept of gatekeepers, let me fill you in.
For many trans*people, to gain access to hormones, approval for SRS, sometimes even basic therapy, they have to give the right answers to the right questions to the right people. Some basics include "never mentioning being aroused in the opposite gender's clothing". Yeah, you can't be a sexual being. You also have to make sure you never mention how happy you would be on hormones or after surgery, because then you are 'getting ahead of yourself, and need to fully be ready'.
Basically, every interaction you have is carefully measured and judged against invisible standards so that someone who was arbitrarily put in charge can decide if you *deserve* to have access to these things.
Right now, Annie is terrified of what Dan said last time, when she said she went for a walk. A simple walk, she was judged as 'potentially self-destructive'. That single misstep could have put her back months, if he decided it. So now, she is being asked how the week was? That's a weighted question if I've ever heard one.
Her answer in frame 2? That's what a lot of 'therapists' want to hear as the 'right' answer.
Her answer in the mid frame? That's how she actually feels. And why the fuck shouldn't she feel that way? Who the fuck gave someone else permission to dictate if she is allowed to feel that way?

..I'm not ragging on Dan, he is a good guy. I've just heard so many horror stories. Me? I told my therapists exactly what they wanted to hear. Most of it was lies. And here I am, how I should have been to start with, a woman. Nobody has to right to tell me otherwise.

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May 10th, 2014, 3:06 am

stickygirl (Guest)

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We spend our childhood lying: we lie to our families, to our friends, ourselves... we become skilled and convincing liers. No wonder we're fucked up when we spend our lives considering other people's reactions and lying to maintain their false sense of 'happiness'. We know how to lie to gatekeepers so's not to make them uncomfortable.

These are the very people we should be able to trust and who should not judge us. In the end we're left to work things out by ourselves, you learn to only trust yourself. We all know how to end the burden of lying too. Why don't they understand how awful it is lying so much?

The gatekeepers know we're lying - don't they? Surely they know. How can you respect someone who willingly accepts your lies for the sake of their game?

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view Elessir's profile

May 13th, 2014, 9:46 pm

Elessir

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@GreenKrog: The comment about being aroused in the other gender's clothing made me think. I've been exploring being genderqueer, to the point where I bought the most feminine thing I could think of, a bra. I had been wondering what the difference was between me and a cross dresser, and this bra does not arouse me. It actually feels somewhat normal.

So thanks, for the reassurement.

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view GreenKrog's profile

May 14th, 2014, 1:00 am

GreenKrog

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@Elessir: I subscribe to a set of definitions others do not. As a general rule, I would say a crossdresser is one who wears the clothes, but does not identify as the other gender (therefore is not transgender) and does not get off on it (therefore is not a transvestite).

There is nothing inherently wrong with being a crossdresser nor a transvestite. The big difference is, and this is what divides the community/umbrella/whatever is that at the end of the day, a CD/TV/DQ takes off their clothes and goes back to "normal". At the end of the day, I don't get to take anything off - I'm always stuck being "different".

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view Elessir's profile

May 14th, 2014, 6:50 am

Elessir

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@GreenKrog: Youre not different anymore. You're the right you.

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June 21st, 2014, 12:14 pm

mittfh

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"I know it's not true and I'm just so excited and impatient and..."

It's good that despite her euphoria at taking the hormones, Annie's still grounded enough to realise they'll take time to have any noticeable effects. Well, directly caused biochemical effects at least - in the meantime, there's probably an element of placebo for the first few days / weeks. Then, when the real changes come, given the body changes slowly and almost imperceptibly, it might even be someone else that first notices the changes since they'll be more used to seeing snapshots rather than a continuous picture.

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