Forgiveness 2/2

posted October 14th, 2014, 2:02 am


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November 9th, 2013, 7:07 am

GreenKrog

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Yeah, I don't know why I did the pink ribbon thing either. I was having a bad night and I couldn't think straight and so I put it on there.

So.. I used the word. Rape. Wow, dizzy.. wow. So, yeah, for those who managed to forget, like I never will, I was almost raped. I was lucky. Very lucky. I can't even begin to imagine how bad it must be for someone who it actually happened to. So I can't possible speak for you. Only you can speak for you, and you need to speak for you.

For me though, I lived in fear. For a long time. I blocked it out as best I could, I became numb, I tried to be normal. I knew things weren't normal, but I had the rest of the charade that was my life that I needed to keep up. I couldn't cry about it, because I did my best to get rid of the thought. I actually managed to completely bury it for almost 4 years.

But the important thing is that.. and this is very hard.. but I forgive him. If he is truly sorry, if he would be sorry for what he did if my friends hadn't come home, then I can forgive him. Because holding on to that hate hurts so much more. Hating anything just makes me hurt inside. I forgive the horror, I forgive the words, I forgive the feeling. So long as he is sorry. And I pray that he can forgive himself too.
I pray that everyone who has sinned can be forgiven. Not only by their deity, and by those they sinned against, but by the hardest of them all - themselves.

I have stated before how I feel like I can never be forgiven for many of the things I've done. One of those things - I may have driven someone to suicide. The details aren't important, but there is a strong chance that my words were the catalyst to another living being dying.
How do you ask forgiveness from someone who you killed? How can you forgive yourself for making someone take their own life?
That is one of the things that makes me so dark, and so alone. I want to be able to forgive myself. I know Vic wants to forgive himself. But it is so hard.

I have infinite forgiveness for those who hurt me. I just don't have forgiveness for myself. And that is why I hurt myself.

Anyways.. this chapter is over now. And it dealt with some stuff. I'm sorry that I was snippy. I am incredibly dizzy right now and if I had anything left in my stomach I am sure it would end poorly.

..I also drew a page for the Transgender Day of Remembrance, traditionally Nov 20th. It will be posted in 2013, so you've already seen it at this point.
...I drew the page. I haven't coloured it or posted. I haven't been able to even look at the page after I closed the folder on it.
...I'm on no sleep every night now, and the drugs don't let me go down at all. I wake up in sweat and fear and even though being awake is easier, I want to go back into the nightmare.

Anyways. I've been talking too long and I need to go home now. Hopefully I will spread some love, some joy, maybe make a person smile and know that their life is worth living. God, if I can do that, if I can do just that one thing, if I can save another's life, maybe I will find peace. I doubt it.

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October 14th, 2014, 6:55 am

Lucy (Guest)

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You gave me some hope for humanity this morning. Often people are too quick to write someone off as a worthless human being because they made a serious mistake. If you don't shun them, you're accused of condoning what they did. Well, I've made mistakes, as we all have, and one of the best things that ever happened to me was when my family found out, and they continued to support me. They now know the worst, stupidest thing I've ever done, and they still love me. That helps me to believe in myself, and keep being the better person they know I can be. I think that's probably how it works for most people with a functional conscience.

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October 16th, 2014, 2:31 am

mittfh

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Judging by the fact it's in quotes, "If we were perfect..." sounds like she's quoting someone/something. Unfortunately, Google can't find it :(

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October 16th, 2014, 12:55 pm

GreenKrog

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@mittfh: It is a quote, but I can't find the source either. If I recall, it was from some old greek/roman or another, and I read it in a Christopher Pike book. Though that is the best I can recall.

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October 17th, 2014, 8:36 am

CuteDress&TwinPonytails

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Thank you for your thoughts about forgiveness, GK. Forgiveness is a deep and complex attribute, because it has aspects of both human and divine natures. It touches on both the mundane and the spiritual, therefore, most people find it hard to understand, let alone institute.
I placed my trust and faith in a group for 44 years, that when it was noticed that I was transitioning to my correct gender, expelled me and they continue to shun me to this day, now with almost three years gone by. As the days and years go by, forgiveness now comes into play, but just how can that be expected to mitigate things ? And the mental and emotional pain is so great for myself, it sometimes brings up thoughts of suicide, when I thought I was over that a long time ago. Just how can one or the other of the two parties involved, me and the others, be motivated to forgive ?
Rather than survival of the fittest, forgiveness is the only way out, the only light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, forgiveness is very complex, but only a relatively few humans will ever know or understand the power of it. With forgiveness, one cannot undo the past, but one can heal with closure, and brighten their future. That is what I wish and hope for.

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