Repressed Memory

posted January 18th, 2015, 2:01 am


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February 8th, 2014, 1:24 am

GreenKrog

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Not based on a true story. But wow could I go on about some of the memories I repressed about my childhood. The pants I loved so much (that had zippers on the legs, clearly girl pants). Being happy to join the girl's team in gymnastics. Once in elementary, getting a makeover by the other girls. Heh, there was a call home on that one, let me tell you.

This isn't true of all trans people. Of course it isn't. But it is true of some, maybe even many. That we shaped our minds, our memories, to suit what we thought we were supposed to be. Rejecting all of the things that were so obvious at the time, so that we could tell ourselves "nope, I'm X, not Y". I remember as a teen, when I hated myself the most, remembering snippets of my past. And it would drive me to rage. Actual rage. I would have to leave the house and exhaust myself biking or walking, no matter the weather.
Sure, they aren't good memories now, because they are things that should have been normal. But they are kinda comforting.

Anyone else have memories like this? If you are still struggling with who you are - try to keep an open mind about yourself. Please don't hate yourself. You don't have to be like me.

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January 18th, 2015, 4:36 am

dew (Guest)

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When I realized who I was, I actually searched my mind for signs. I always liked being called a tomboy, I'd always had a fascination with unisex names, got along with boys better than girls... But for the most part, I was normal. Polly pockets, care bears, my little pony, littlest pet shop, easy bake. I liked hot wheels, but I played with them like dolls instead of like, racing and stuff.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

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January 19th, 2016, 1:06 pm

Zophia (Guest)

Hmmm...

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Oh...yeesh. Lots of things, now that I think about it. I really couldn't stand picture day at school, and rarely got a yearbook (unless forced) because I couldn't stand looking at myself. Still can't. And at my moms home, there're a bunch of pictures of me and my siblings. Right in the doorway. It's incredibly uncomfortable...

I remember whenever I left a room in less than pristine conditions, she would say "hey, its not your fault. All boys are messy. It's in your DNA" or some nonsense like that. I used to not understand why it bothered me so much. Now those memories are like scars. (I would also like to note that my rooms are NOWHERE NEAR as messy as most (if not all) of the other girls rooms I've been in :))

I never really made all that many guy friends, but I guess its because I really can't relate. Hmm..I remember crushing really hard on my friend/rival, Daniel. But I think I was really oblivious to it. Haha..its funny. I could always tell when a girl liked me throughout late middle school-early high school and would try to avoid a relationship with them as quickly as possible. But for the rest of high school, I tried to have relationships, just so I would fit in. Although I ain't the best at wooing ladies. And even though I ain't particularly attracted to ladies.

I think all that shaped me into the platonic, asexual enigma that people see me as.

I remember always being the effeminate one of the group. And I remember training my voice to be higher when I was a kid. And I remember never clearly identifying myself as male. I'd always say something along the lines of "I'm not a man. But I'm not a boy. Just a..guy? Dude? Ugh..whatever." And I'm pre-transition, so when I talk about myself I just avoid using pronouns altogether (like the plague).

I remember never being able to play Pokémon without agonizing for hours over the question "Are you a boy or a girl?" And when creating a character for myself, it would rarely be a guy (and that was just to save face).

I also remember in my teens (currently 21) I would google things like how to look like a girl. Or looking androgenous. At all hours of the night (I didn't know a floppin thing about the LGBT community until I was about 20). I remember for years I would beg my mom to let me grow my hair out. And I remember whenever I would browse for clothes online, it'd never be in the men's section. Ah jeez, I remember being 12 and sneaking into my parents room and trying on my mom's clothes. And..wearing my shirts as skirts. And I'd walk around happily in them when I had free range of the house. And I wanting breasts and crying about having a... Wow..more memories than I was expecting..

I don't know. I may have played with "girly" toys when I was young, were I able. But I don't think I had many opportunities.

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January 19th, 2016, 1:07 pm

Zophia (Guest)

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Ah jeez, I'm sorry. That was a lot, ahaha.

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January 19th, 2016, 3:27 pm

GreenKrog

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@Zophia: Sounds a lot like me. I hated having any traces of my existence, such as pictures. It always bothered me to be called manly even though I had no idea why. Except making friends with girls, but then again, I didn't have friends to begin with!
When it came to what was between my legs though, I hated that. I didn't know why. I didn't know there were other options. I just knew that it shouldn't exist. And it sure shaped me in to the asexual I am now! (even though I now have the correct equipment).

Unlike you, I was always hypermasculine. I thought for sure I was supposed to be a man, and it was my job to mould myself in to said man. It made me hurt fighting myself all the time, but the only trans anything on TV was Jerry Springer, and I was NOT that.

Don't worry about the length. Release is cathartic.

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