Campfire

posted May 17th, 2015, 2:01 am


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May 31st, 2014, 4:55 am

GreenKrog

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I was wrong. It did end well.

Sorry if it is unclear, but the mid frame is meant to be a one sided talking, then another one sided talking. Not a back and forth. So, if you got confused, that is why.

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Please ignore this. It had to be written somewhere, and I am stupid enough to hope that maybe someday it will be found. Even though I pray that never happens.
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You and I were sitting outside on your parents porch. We were both so young, so nervous. Our lives were good and getting better. We had found someone that we could care about, and wanted nothing more than to spend our days and nights together. It was a little chilly that night, and I felt bad that I didn't have a coat to give to you. I did my best to keep you warm, but I was shaking so badly it didn't help.
We sat there for hours, making idle conversation. We both knew that there was only one reason why we were out there. Every so often, your parents would go to the kitchen, run the taps, get a drink. Then the light would go off and the porch would be dark again. It was just you and me and the light of the stars and moon.
I didn't have any reason to be scared. But it was something I never said before. It wasn't something I had ever felt before. You hadn't either. It was getting too cold to waste any more time outside, we had to go. You told me that. You looked into my eyes, telling me to just say it. I can't remember what I said, it was stupid and trivial. But I put, on the end of it, barely audible, "..and.. I love you".
What I said that night is true. It has never stopped being true. The man you loved who promised his life to you ended his life with you in his heart.
I know it isn't fair. That man never truly existed. He couldn't have made a promise to stay true forever, because he wasn't real. But for those years, the only reason he could wake up in the morning and be a man is that this was what you needed. Who you loved.

Where is the line between him and I? Did his death end his love, or when my heart began beating again, did it become mine to carry? You were already gone when he died. He couldn't even look you in the eyes to tell you that it had to end. He told himself, and you, that it was because he couldn't hurt you. He couldn't do this to you.
What now am I? Did I even exist? If everything was a lie, how could he have existed? Do I even exist now? Why is it that after these years and miles, I miss you more than ever? Like my heart could never be for anyone other than you? You were never mine, you were his. The only thing that ever made me human was that love.

My greatest fear in this world isn't that I will never find love again. My greatest fear is meeting you again some day, and know that everything that has happened is true. Because the only thing that was ever real was that feeling. I hope that some day I will wake up, and my mistakes could be undone. That I could have fought who I was harder, and I could still have been the man you loved.
You are happy now. You got married. You graduated, got a good job. You have a real life, with a real man. I hope you found love again, and it is true, and lasting, and real.
I hope you have forgotten me. I hope that you never, ever think about me. If there is only one gift that I could give you, it is to carry it alone, so that you can be happy.

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May 17th, 2015, 7:17 am

Lena (Guest)

Past Life

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Oh Greenkrog.... Much love and thank you so much for your work and for sharing.

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May 17th, 2015, 10:53 am

CuteDress&TwinPonytails

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" Where is the line between him and I ? Did his death end his love, or when my heart began beating again, did it become mine to carry ? "

A transmutation occurred, but it is still the same love carried forward, burning at a low ember, ready to be extinguished, but being renewed at each moment in time.

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June 8th, 2017, 3:51 pm

sunspark

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@GreenKrog: There is, of course, no way to just ignore these amazing words. On this single page you brought me to tears in two very different ways. You deserve your happiness, too. I know life has not been easy, but I've been wolfing this stuff down and it is apparent to me that you're a remarkable person. If I lived in Vancouver I'd want to know you. Be well.

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