Always Running

posted December 26th, 2015, 2:01 am


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February 17th, 2015, 4:32 pm

GreenKrog

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The media really likes to put a spin on kids who always knew they were trans. They were 5 and they knew right then that they were wrong.

Not all of us have had that journey. Not all of us knew what it was to be 'right' or 'wrong'. It just wasn't something that meant anything to them.

This isn't autobiographical, as I have stated in the past. But my personal history is somewhat similar. I thought I was normal until I was much older. There were signs, they were buried, but I thought I was normal. You'll see some of my reasons why.

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December 26th, 2015, 10:14 am

Stephanie (Guest)

This seems so familar

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A lot of us know they're not their assigned gender, but either don't admit it to themselves, or like me, "know" that they're one way or another and it can't be fixed. We try to fit in the best we can, but usually feel like complete frauds.

I never liked to do 'guy stuff' but did it as a way of fitting in and trying to hide who I was, to myself as well as others.

For years, I succeeded, but every once in a while, the bits of the truth would show and I'd violently suppress those feelings.

I think the worst time for me was when puberty hit and my body began changing. I *HATED* getting hairy and disgusting and that's about the time I started stuff like cutting, much of it directed at my manly bits. That continued for years until I finally recognized that I was trans and started therapy a few months later.

I can totally see why Annie's pushing those memories away, but in her case, it's fine to begin exploring them. I know it helped me.

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December 26th, 2015, 11:16 am

DCFan (Guest)

Yes very familiar

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I especially understand Annie's dad's comment about the lack of interest in clothes shopping for boy clothes. But I could spend hours windows shopping on the internet for womens clothes. I also learned that I dress in womens clothes because I am female rather than dress in women's clothes to feel femenine. (Not wanting to offend but I think and I could be wrong, that is the crux of the difference between a crossdresser and transexual). Took me a while to figure that part out on top of the shame and denial that goes with it.

Anyway, I've really just discovered what this all means (August--2015). So no more purging!

PS:Poor Annie, the shame is a powerful thing. That was the one decision I made in May when I was crossdressing again. I decided that this is a permanent part of me and I shouldn't be ashamed of it.(I've been collecting and purging since being out of college, I'm now in my 40's)

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December 27th, 2015, 11:27 am

Stephanie (Guest)

No more purging!

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OMG. I forgot the purging... I can't believe how many cute clothes I got rid of because of my guilty feelings. Another benefit of finally accepting that I was trans and not some "freak", I've not thrown away a thing or felt any guilt at all.

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June 9th, 2017, 4:20 pm

sunspark

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Even without my comments on yesterday's page and its inconsistencies with published canon (which today's continues), I'm very confused: Annie, as she exists RIGHT NOW, knows she is a girl. Heck, just prior to all of this she told off that asinine therapist about it, and about the only thing interceding between that and this was her crapola grade in math, which shouldn't really enter into the gender equation (and, if it does, by the silly mechanics mentioned earlier, would make her *more* of a girl). So why in the world would she be fighting against any of this? I mean I get that she doesn't want to be seen to be a CD, but Julie has pushed her beyond that one. This is something else...and I just don't follow it.

(edited)

I see what you did with the next page and where you wanted to take this, but I still don't get it. She was angry about this, as this, in her past. She is no longer angry ABOUT THIS. Angry, yes. But about the gender of a shirt? About whether or not her 13-yr-old self knew?

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June 9th, 2017, 5:23 pm

GreenKrog

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@sunspark: Not everything is as simple as 'religion made me hate myself'. In this case, it is about how society sees women as weaker. It is all about weakness in this particular case, which is why two pages from now the page 'highlights' explains how she has been fighting it and why.

She is mad about the incident in her past for a variety of reasons. She could have simply told her father at the time and this entire thing would have been behind her. She could see this shirt incident as the moment when she became hardened and started to hate herself. She could see that shirt as the culmination of reasoning as to why she still has such issues accepting herself now.

Perhaps my writing is too deep in some cases, but it is rarely about what is directly on the page and more about the overarching concept. She is angry about it because she is angry at the concepts of believing that women are weaker. That she would fall in to that trap and still be falling in to it.
Julie asking her why it mattered then is actually asking her why it matters NOW.

You might have missed it, but Annie is still not unified with her own mind. Her concept of self-identity is core to the story. People who can unify and know exactly who they are do not have many of the issues that Annie does.

Tip: She later gets officially diagnosed with borderline personality. Autobiographical.

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