Fathering

posted December 29th, 2015, 2:01 am


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February 17th, 2015, 5:14 pm

GreenKrog

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Woooooooah ok. Hold up a sec. First and foremost: this is probably autobiographical for about 99% of boys. So if it is for me, then yeah, it is pretty standard practice.

I did actually have a very girly pair of jeans. They had zip-ups on the sides. When we bought them, I didn't know they were girly, neither did my dad. When the kids on the playground hounded me for it, and I told dad, he was unhappy. Not because I was wearing girl pants, but because these pants that I loved so much when we bought them turned out to be such a source of hurt.
So he may have done all of the standard stuff about being a man and being tough, but that pants thing is a total fabrication.

However! Frame 5 actually happened. It was pretty clear at that point that being a girl wasn't acceptable. Even though I was so young I didn't know what the difference was, that made the difference clear. I learned what it was to be a boy and a girl that day by putting punishment and being a girl in the same mental process.
How the hell could my dad have known? How could ANY dad have known?

Anyways, my point in all this is that my dad made all the same mistakes that I can bet all the other fathers have, even though he thought he was doing his best. I don't blame him. At all. He was a great father. He still is. All I had to do was tell him that I was a girl, and that was it.

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December 29th, 2015, 2:35 am

Yan Mouson

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Honestly, Annie's dad's behavior here is pretty awful, and not just because Annie turned out to be, well, Annie. It was impossibly hurtful because she's transgender, but even if she wasn't, I have to question the wisdom in telling young boys to suppress any part of themselves that could be considered feminine.

This is the core of the sexism problem: the idea that men are strong and women are just lesser. That masculine is good and feminine is bad. It's the source of most negative attitudes towards women and of the idea that they need to shed their femininity in order to make it, but also of a lot of issues for men.

Boys are told from a young age that showing emotion is wrong, that showing weakness is wrong, that dozens of little things that should come naturally to all of us, that should be a normal part of life, are just for girls. Raising boys this way can really fuck up their minds.

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December 29th, 2015, 7:28 am

JennaD

Even when they try their best

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I am of the age where the internet was not around/in its infancy when I was growing up. We do need to give our parents a little slack when it comes to things like this that they did not know about and that every source of information available to them said it was a problem.
My parents (now that they know) have been very supportive of whatever makes me happy. When I was younger, my mom did say some things like 'Good thing I have all boys, I don't have to worry about them getting into my things, unless there is something wrong with them.'
There were many points in my life that I failed to get validation or was hit with something that told me it was wrong. I think a lot fo TG people have. It's what gets us messed up in the head. Conflicting messages of 'be true to yourself - as long as it is acceptable'. So, we transgendered learn the worst behavior I think there is, how to lie really well - to ourselves.
Big Firefly fan here so, I have a quote I try to use to help me get that behavior to stop:
"...they will come to the idea that they can make people - better. I do not hold to that, so no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave." -Mal

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December 29th, 2015, 8:12 am

Becky (Guest)

They have no idea

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If my dad knew that some of the things he said had hurt me so much, he would be absolutely devasted. Annie learned to hide it as most of us do. It's a self defense mechanism. When I look back and think if I had said "Yes!" when my parents said "What is wrong with you? Do you want to go to the doctor?" They were hurt and confused and when I finally did come out to them much later in life, I know now they will always love me the same no matter what I choose.

Bex
x

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December 29th, 2015, 9:34 pm

DCFan (Guest)

No they are clueless

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Parents are also clueless in sense that they are hurting their trans kids. Yan, I agree with you that boys are raised to not be emotional, the be strong and not show weakness. What happens when a boy shows any weakness,they get beaten. Show anything feminine in manner or appearance, you get teased or beaten (sometimes both). Some of us learn to imitate male behaviors to avoid the conflict and make are parents happy. We do this long enough we make excuses about being trans: all guys think this way, its just a phase, if I quit cold turkey I'll be fine, I'm married--I'm cured. These are some of the big lies we tell ourselves (or at least the ones I told myself).

I notice that FTM's don't seem to get labeled as perverts like MTF's do. I've met a few and have not talked to any great length with them about it to be knowledgable about it. Also, it's okay for a girl to be tomboy, but for a boy to be a "jengirl" is a massive affront to society.

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December 30th, 2015, 1:47 am

Yan Mouson

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@DCFan: My point is that it's not just about trans kids. Being taught to repress your emotions, that showing anything that could be perceived as weakness is wrong, can screw up anyone. It's not a positive message to teach to your kids, even if they're not trans.

A cisgender boy raised this way will never truly feel safe and comfortable. He will always be putting on a show, hiding parts of himself that he's been taught are not acceptable. It's okay to have emotions, and it's okay to not be strong all the time. To be taught anything else is deeply unhealthy, and may in fact be a major cause of anger management issues. You can only repress your feelings for so long before they come back to the surface in a big way.

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