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May 26th, 2014, 11:08 pm


The why of Wildflowers

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the representation of trans people in the media. Specifically with Arcade Fire - We Exist. It shows a young trans woman, early in coming out, being hurt. A lot of people seem to not get why we should ever show that kind of thing. Why focus on the hurtful things?

In this vein, one would ask, why Wildflowers? Why write the story of this young woman, being hurt - not just by the outside world, but by herself? Why show how painful it can be inside?
For the same reason why we watch movies about loss. Why we watch movies where the love interest dies at the end. It breaks our heart, it hurts, but it lets us feel something. Especially if we have been through loss, if we've loved and had to let go, the movie makes us feel less alone. Like we can relate. That there are other people out there who have hurt and have survived it.

As I've often said, Venus Envy is what woke me up. When I first found it, I was literally suicidal about my gender. I never felt so alone, despite having people who loved me. I didn't think anyone else out there could feel how I felt. How afraid I was to be.. who I thought I couldn't be.
When I read VE, I saw someone struggling, not just against the world, but herself, and her family. I saw that you could get hurt and get back up. And that even if I got hurt, I could survive it.

One of the things that we, as a trans community, are never allowed to discuss - our fears. Our uncertainty. If you walk into a therapists and say you want to be gender X, they demand that you be absolutely sure. They need you to be so utterly positive as to leave no room whatsoever. We are forced to lie, to tell them what they expect to hear. We aren't allowed to talk about how we are scared out of our minds that we might not be 100%. That there is doubt, but that doubt is far less than the certainty we have about ourselves.
When Annie goes through these terrible thoughts in her head, it is because these are real thoughts. That I've felt. That others have told me they have felt. That every trans person I have met expresses. How hard it can be to look in the mirror, when they have to be perfect and flawless to everyone all the rest of the time.

So why do I write Wildflowers? So that people know that they aren't alone. That they can be uncertain and scared and that is ok. That they shouldn't have to lie about it any more than they lie or have lied about who they were.

Some people find that tiny spark inside themselves when they are shown the horrors of the darkness. Venus Envy did it for me. I can only hope that I live up to the legacy and that some other trans person out there sees Wildflowers and knows that they, too, have that spark.

user comments

June 18th, 2014, 3:00 pm


<3 I am a transman, and I thank you for sharing your life with strangers in the hopes that it make their own life easier.

end message

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